Saturday, September 12, 2009

P.P.A. Anxiety with a Vengeance why Me??

I am going to start writing where I left off in my profile, and before I started training for my first EveR half marathon!I will go back to right after the birth of my twins.
I had a wonderful birth!It was a scheduled c-section and was picture perfect!I was told they were doing just fine!
Here I am the first night after they were born, and I was in my hospital room in my bed!My nurse came in.She was an amazingly kind person.She gave me some medication and all of the sudden I started to feel the room closing in on me!!Yes just like that!! My heart started pounding and I felt Very panicky! Crazy panicky!!I was suddenly very scared!!! Now you have to remember that after a scheduled c-section you can't get out of your bed! Big problem for me all of the sudden!!I started freaking out and called for my nurse.I was having a full blown panic attack!!Now for those of you have never had one you feel like your going to have a heart attack or your going to die!!It is just plain freaky!! I begged her to stay with me and she did for TwO HouRs!! She just sat there and held my hand till I FiNaLLy calmed down! AMaZinG wonderful lady!I truly thank God for her!
So fast forward to taking our twins home and settling in, if there is such a thing.I felt real, jumpy, nervous and panicky from the beginning.I couldn't sleep. I was having horrible nighmares when I did doze off.It NeVeR, EveR stopped!
I finally, called my O.B.and she says to call a Psychiatrist.Okay, no problem I have one of those, you usually do after raising three teenagers, which I have, but more on them later.I make an appointment with Dr.G. she puts me on some medication(an antidepressant) which is suppose to help.It does stop the crippling anxiety but now I feel super charged in a BaD way!I feel like super woman with a killer mean streak!!This goes on for a few months!It does help me with my training ,though.I am able to run my ten to twelve miles a week with no problem.The thing is that I feel awful,mean, angry, disgusted and many more things! I am just horrible,horrible,horrible to my sweet husband!Can we say wicked mad and short tempered??!! I am a totally different person! At first I thought that it would just get better.Really I did.After all giving birth does change your body chemistry and makes your hormones go wacky,right?
Finally, and I do mean finally, after feeling this way for way,way,way too long, I go back to Dr.G. She puts me on a different anti-anxiety medication.I am hopeful. Within a week I start to feel like my former self!!Who knew that was possible?!I continued to feel better and am back to my old self, sort of.LOL!! After having a baby or twins, you never really go back to any form of your old self that you knew and loved or maybe NoT so much love for your self,but onto a different sort of self and in my case a much Better one!I also have to thank GoD here for being with me through all of this and reminding me of his love for me through his word(the bible)because it was just awful!! Kinda like that ride you want to get off of but can't!!You never know how awful you feel till you start feeling better, ya know???
I hope this might help anyone out there who is suffering from post partum anxiety/depression.It is real and please don't be ashamed to talk with you Dr or get some help!After all being the best we can be for ourselves and our family is what really matters
Okay, trying to keep it short.This is my first real post.


Lani said...

Great post Olga. I think a lot of people go through this, or something similar after having kids so it's nice to hear your honest experience!

Stephanie Faris said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. The more people bring it to light, the more people will realize others have been through it too and seek the help they need to get through it.

Christina said...

I went through bad, bad, bad PPD...I wish that if there is anyone out there that is suffering, to get help!! People think its something we can control, but we really can't!
Great post!

Greg said...

Nice one. A very well-written post on methods to attack anxiety.Here is a very good wesbite that has plenty of guides regarding simple methods toattack anxiety. Thought I might share it with you. It's at

Annie said...

Your post is wonderful. Thanks for sharing your story.

Have a nice week.

PS: So glad you like the towel. Enjoy it.

Helene said...

Olga, this is an awesome post!! I suffered from PPD too, esp after my 2nd set of twins were born. I also had panic/anxiety attacks all the seriously feels like being stuck in a dark hole with no way out. So glad you got help!! I did too and I felt like a new person.

Thanks for sharing your story and for being so honest about it!

Kristen Andrews said...

your honestly is refreshing!

KellieS said...


Hi, thanks for the comment on the interview at Kristen's. I actually just now saw it, otherwise, I would have been here sooner. I loved your post about the birth. Strangely, I got really freaked out at the birth of my youngest daughter too. It wasn't as if I hadn't done it 5 times before.
Anyway, good luck with every thing and I will be back.

Kellie (

The Budget Mommy said...

Thank you so much for reading! I hope my blog will help you save lots of money! And I look forward to reading your blog. I love to run but don't make as much time for it as I should.